What is it with men and their primal urge to urinate outdoors?!!

I know that I will never understand because I am a girl and so I don't have the ease of just going when and where nature calls me. Standing up outside in the yard to pee is not the most comfortable thing I can imagine doing, so it doesn't appeal to me, and I don't, and won't ever, get it.

My husband is a yard pee'r. He used to be covert about it. But I caught him once, and now he has no discretion. (Well, I mean, he keeps it in the family but still, not exactly what I want to see my husband doing.) I know I am not the only one because I've had this conversation with some other moms, each with little sons all at various stages of potty training and who want to do just about everything exactly the way they see their dads doing it, including "watering" the grass. And hey, if it gets anyone that much closer to being out of diapers, then who am I to judge?

So yes, our little man pees in the yard. I guess I am okay with it because the dog pees there too, right? And if it makes the difference of not having an accident because he doesn't want to stop what he's doing long enough to go in and use the bathroom like a proper person, then who am I to say no?



The problem is that when Dylan was given the green light to pee in the yard, should the need arise, a pretty important detail was overlooked. A three year old does not have the discretion to determine which outdoor spots are appropriate for peeing in (meaning ONLY OUR OWN BACKYARD WHEN NO ONE BUT FAMILY IS THERE), should the need arise.

I was out and about with the kids yesterday and we happened to stop and sit on a bench near a sidewalk cafe with a bed of plants separating the restaurant from where we sat. Dylan mentioned a need to go potty so I said we'd go inside to find one. I started gathering our stuff and Sadie and vaguely heard him say something about not needing a bathroom. So as I looked up with my arms full of stuff and Sadie, ready to head inside in search of said bathroom, Dylan was literally a fraction of a millimeter away from pulling his pants down, whipping it out, and peeing on the lovely plants in front of God and everyone eating at the nice little cafe.

ME: NO! NO! NO! NO! COME HERE NOW I NEED TO TALK TO YOU NOOOW! (I know, the yelling. I am losing Mom of the Year points here but the urgency of the situation required it.)

DYLAN: (not budging) BUT MOMMY I HAVE TO PEE RIGHT NOW.

ME: NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! DO NOT PULL DOWN YOUR PANTS AND COME OVER HERE RIGHT NOW!! (I know, again with the yelling.)

At that point, I didn't care if he had to go so bad that he wet his pants because that would've been preferable to the alternative at hand. I always have spare clothes for him in the car anyway. Can I have some of my points back for that?

D: But I really have to pee.

ME: I know, that is why we are going inside here to use the restroom.

D: But I don't need the restroom. I can just pee right here on these plants. My pee can water the plants.

ME: We let you pee outside when we are home, in the privacy of our own backyard. You cannot pee on plants in public places. And those people eating right there DO NOT WANT TO WATCH YOU PEE!

Then of course, all of the "but whys" and the disappointed agreement to go and use a proper restroom.

Turns out, he stood in front of that toilet for nearly ten minutes. But he didn't really have to go. It was never about the peeing, it was about the chance to pee in public, or nature, or whatever.

Well, he got his chance a couple of hours later. We were outside in the front yard and my neighbor walked out of his house, looking at me kinda funny. I turned around to see what he had noticed and there's my grass peein' little boy having a party. ("But Mommy, you said it's okay if we're at home!" The boy has a point. Can't argue with that!)

A couple of disturbing thoughts on this topic just occurred to me: 1)Are these men, and consequently their sons wishing to emulate them, that feel the need to urinate outside actually marking their territory, you know, like the dogs that pee out there too? And 2)OMG what if he tries to pee on the playground at school?

What?!! I'm supposed to just be grateful that at least he's not using the toilet seat as a hat?