I want it all.

I decided to check in with the blogosphere and realized more than two weeks have passed since last posting, and my last posts were about Maddie. While I am still finding myself at a loss for words when I think about that tragedy, what I am finding myself truly at a loss for is time. Where do I find it? I am having a hard time finding that work/life/family balance since going back to work full time in January. When I do have down time, I just want to sleep. And then I wake up at ungodly hours like 4:30a.m. unable to return to sleep with all I have to get done flying around in my head. See? Here I am at 5a.m. I know I should be trying to squeeze in a few more moments of sleep because it's going to be a long day. Or packing lunches. Or gathering towels and bathing suits for swim lessons later. Yet I'm here writing this post just so I can say I blogged today and it hasn't been that long since I posted, and I deserve to go to BlogHer, maybe, next year.

All I really want to know right now, all you working moms out there: How do you do it?

In Memory

Speechless

I logged on to post last week, trying to make good on my commitment to nurture this hobby of mine, but haven't been able to type a single word. Each time I approached the internet, all of my words were washed away with tears, tears shed for a little girl that I never knew, and for her parents whom I've never met. I wasn't going to do this post because I don't know them. How could my words really matter in this time of what I can only imagine is engulfing them in grief and sorrow? But I couldn't write anything else, because the enormity of the loss of little Maddie makes nothing else matter.

So I am posting this today with sorrow for Mike and Heather, and with gratitude that I am able to hold my children close to me, and for the opportunities I yet have to look at the world through their eyes, to witness daily the miracle of them growing and becoming the people they are meant to be.

Mike and Heather, I am so, so sorry for your loss. From day one, your story has not been an easy one to tell. I appreciate every moment that I was able to stop your blog by for updates and stories that filled me with joy and wonder at the miracle that was your daughter. A simple thank you cannot begin to express the gratitude I feel that you have had to courage to share your story, Maddie's story with the world. Everyone who knew of your beautiful little girl will forever be touched by her life and by her passing.

To BlogHer, Or Not To BlogHer? Is there really any question?

So I registered for BlogHer '09. Yea!, right? But, you know, with the economy the way it is, and spending money on needs, not wants right now, it just seems a little indulgent. I already paid my conference fee, but then there's getting to Chicago, paying for a hotel and having fun while I'm there. I mean, on the one hand it's not like I will ever be the "it" blogger, or write professionally; I don't do any kind of product reviews or look to generate revenue through my blog. It's just a hobby. And I don't know ANYONE who will be there except I read their (amazing) blogs and maybe they will notice me over here in my little corner of the blogosphere waving. Oh yeah, that's me, hi.

And then there's the fact that someone is bound to call IPS (Internet Protective Services) and report my ass for the profound neglect that I have inflicted upon my blog. I mean, how much time do I really spend with it lately? Updating twice a month (if that, recently) isn't exactly quality time. It just took me 3+ hours to catch up reading the blogs I follow. What kind of bloggy friend is that? Jeez, I barely have time as it is for the 27 hours of tivo that I have to watch each week. Who needs to fix dinner and bathe the kids? Mama needs to watch some Must See TV and do her a little blogging! Priorities, people!

On the other hand, my blog is the one creative outlet in an otherwise completely-devoted-to-my-real-responsibilities life. It's getting back to my writing roots, which I foolishly brushed aside somewhere along the way without a second thought at the time. What price do you put on that? At what point does the effort I put into reading blogs that I enjoy and keeping up my own blog cross the line from healthy interest to obsession? And does it warrant a trip to Chicago this summer for BlogHer? (Did I mention my own vacation, by myself, without kids or husband? Yea, me!)

I have always kinda sucked at nurturing friendships in my life. Apparently this goes for any relationship, not just the people kind. My blog life has been suffering since jumping into new responsibilities with a job outside of my home. And I miss my blog life. Even though it's just me over here in my little corner waving sheepishly, it has so much potential. I used to read my faves every day. I was getting to know you. I was less timid about leaving comments, letting you know I was hanging around. But then I started coming around less frequently, and putting myself out there only every once in a while. Who hangs on for that?

It comes down to this: I can sell my conference pass and forget about going to Chicago. No big deal. Maybe next year. Or I can go this year. I can get motivated to nurture my blog relationships and work on connecting with other bloggers. Me being part of the blogging community might not matter to ANYONE else other than myself. Being connected to something greater than oneself is pretty powerful. But is it worth the guilt that this trip might be a little too self-indulgent when times are calling for restraint?

That is the question.

Now You Are FOUR!

(A week late, but better than never.)

Long gone the cuddly baby days

replaced with all your little boy ways.

First one, then two, next three, now four!

"Hooray!" you shout, "Today, I'm 4!"

Riding a bike, even roller skating,

putting out fires and lots of pretend-making.

Baseball, singing, climbing, swinging,

Laughing, growing, learning, being.

Becoming you, changing fast,

before we know it another year will have passed.

Today as you're four you should know we're so glad,

our hearts burst with pride that we're your Mom and Dad!

Happiest birthday, and have an amazing year, Dylan!

Love,

Mom and Dad

All the cool kids have 'em

The other day Dylan got a hold of a dead Blackberry in his preschool classroom. He decided it was his for the day and carried it around in his pocket. His teacher let me know after school how useful it was to him.

He had several random phone conversations throughout the day.

On their way to music class, he asked everyone to hold on a second and announced that he had to switch the phone to vibrate.

During music class, he pulled the phone out to view the text message that his dad had sent him.

Giving it up at the end of the school day was a tough sell, since he had scheduled a conference call with some colleagues.

Likely gift for his impending 4th birthday? Um, no. First of all, I didn't know he even knew about all those cell phone functions, let alone how to use them. Second, he can't quite even really read a text yet.

But it got me thinking about technological advances since I was a kid. You know, a la all those emails going around titled "You know you were a kid in the seventies/eighties if..." you remember things like the VHF dial on the TV or how to actually use a rotary phone. And wondering about what kinds of gadgets will be obsolete by the time my kids are my age. And at what age is it okay for a kid to get a cell phone, or will they even be around by the time mine "need" one?

So tell me, what is your favorite obsolete item from childhood? What current technology can't you or your kids live without?

How I Lost My Mom-of-the-Year Award, Chapter 378

The following conversations occurred in my household a few evenings ago.

**

We were having dinner and Sadie grabbed the salt shaker. "Oh shit!" I yelled, as she proceeded to dump a pile of salt on her plate before I could grab it away from her. A few moments later, she knocked over her cup, spilling milk across the table. "Oh shit," she yelled.

**

Later the same evening, I was trying to corral the kids out of the house to go watch Scott's softball game. It was the end of a very long day (still getting used to the work and day care routine - how long do I get to use that excuse for?) and I will be the first to admit that I was far from in my best parenting frame of mind. In a last ditch effort to please-OMG-can-we-just-be-in-the-car-and-driving-for-the-love-of-all-that-is-good-and-I-cannot-be-patient-for-one-second-longer, I screamed out to the heavens, "Just get in the fucking car already!" Moments later as Sadie climbed into her car seat, Dylan noticed that her shoe had fallen off. "Get your fucking Croc," he told her.

**

Oh shit, but we are so fucked. Do I get any points for the fact that at least they are using the words in the proper contexts?