Wednesday, January 28, 2009

My guilt runneth over

I recently (meaning within the past 2 weeks) went back to work after being a SAHM since Dylan was born. The situation could not be more ideal... I am working right where Dylan goes to preschool. I (supposedly) work 5-6 hours a day. I am not paying for daycare. I am absolutely head over heels in love with the care providers charged with my children and they are happy there.

All that being said, it hasn't been an easy adjustment for any of us. I have never in my entire life before last Monday had to be anywhere on any sort of time schedule with two kids in tow. Out the door with some semblance of put togetherness and lunches for the kids and me packed. Out the door and on time every day. My kids have never been in daycare and the days seem endless to them. They weren't napping very well and bedtimes have been just short of disastrous.

I am trying to keep it together for all of us. I have gotten myself up early to get ready and pack lunches so that by the time the kids get up I can devote all my energy to getting them ready and (hopefully) prevent losing my patience. They have never seen me cry as I leave them at the door of their daycare rooms. We do fun mommy and kid stuff together when my workday is done. I tell them that I am so proud of what grown up kids they are to go to daycare because mommy needs to work. All the while I am so close to tears I can hardly keep them at bay in front of the kids any more. But I'm keeping it together.

So how my precious Dylan had the insight to say what he said to me this morning as we were driving to daycare is beyond me. Like he knew it's been hard on me even though I am trying not to let it show. Like he knew I needed him to tell me that everything is okay and I am being a good mom anyway. Like he's just a great kid, a great brother yet such a typical little boy. He said, "Mommy? Know what the best part of my day at daycare is? After nap cause we go outside and Sadie's out there too and I get to see her. That makes me really happy. Also when you put spicy chips (Doritos) in my lunch."

So I will continue to wage war with my guilt and I know that eventually we will find the right balance for us. My house needs to be cleaned, I haven't vacuumed for two (eeeww!!) weeks, there are dishes in the sink, and clean laundry is scarce around here these days. I am not doing what needs to be done, but I am doing what I need to do. I am holding my kids more, playing with them more, reading to them more, really talking with them, and making sure that they KNOW they are the most important thing to me, even though we aren't spending as much time together. So yeah, we'll figure it all out, just as long as I never run out of Doritos.

(And yeah, I'm crying right now. Cried through composing this whole post. It's okay. They're asleep so they will never know.)

(And also yeah? I know I am blogging right now instead of doing what needs to be done.)


Evolving Mommy Catherine said...

Well there is a list of things I should be doing right now instead of blog related activities, so I won;t judge.

I have thought about going back to work and even the thought of it is hard so I can't imagine what you must feel. I wish I had some great pearl of wisdom to share with you but I don't... just keeping loving on them and spending time with them, I am sure you will all get into a good groove.

Amy H said...

Okay I will admit I am a softy...I cried while reading your post! Thank you for sharing your beautiful Sadie with us at the daycare. She is so sweet and getting right in the gist of things!
I am in the opposite place I have always worked and short of a few day care stints when my oldest were 1 and 2 for about 6 months and Max was 18 months for several months when my Dad was dying, all at our work. This is the first time I am getting to spend all day with Max! Yea he should be potty trained and move up to the next room but for now I am enjoying that we get to "go to work togethere" You know I always have hugs for Sadie but let me know if you need one too!

Berly's Blog said...

Hi Becky,

I took a job this past spring for about 2 1/2 months. The one thing that I learned about about myself is that the job was rewarding to me and that I enjoyed and appreciated my kids more. I also felt like I was being a better mother to them. I hope that you can get these things out of your experience being back at work and that the guilt subsides.