Wednesday, April 29, 2009

I want it all.

I decided to check in with the blogosphere and realized more than two weeks have passed since last posting, and my last posts were about Maddie. While I am still finding myself at a loss for words when I think about that tragedy, what I am finding myself truly at a loss for is time. Where do I find it? I am having a hard time finding that work/life/family balance since going back to work full time in January. When I do have down time, I just want to sleep. And then I wake up at ungodly hours like 4:30a.m. unable to return to sleep with all I have to get done flying around in my head. See? Here I am at 5a.m. I know I should be trying to squeeze in a few more moments of sleep because it's going to be a long day. Or packing lunches. Or gathering towels and bathing suits for swim lessons later. Yet I'm here writing this post just so I can say I blogged today and it hasn't been that long since I posted, and I deserve to go to BlogHer, maybe, next year.

All I really want to know right now, all you working moms out there: How do you do it?

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

In Memory


I logged on to post last week, trying to make good on my commitment to nurture this hobby of mine, but haven't been able to type a single word. Each time I approached the internet, all of my words were washed away with tears, tears shed for a little girl that I never knew, and for her parents whom I've never met. I wasn't going to do this post because I don't know them. How could my words really matter in this time of what I can only imagine is engulfing them in grief and sorrow? But I couldn't write anything else, because the enormity of the loss of little Maddie makes nothing else matter.

So I am posting this today with sorrow for Mike and Heather, and with gratitude that I am able to hold my children close to me, and for the opportunities I yet have to look at the world through their eyes, to witness daily the miracle of them growing and becoming the people they are meant to be.

Mike and Heather, I am so, so sorry for your loss. From day one, your story has not been an easy one to tell. I appreciate every moment that I was able to stop your blog by for updates and stories that filled me with joy and wonder at the miracle that was your daughter. A simple thank you cannot begin to express the gratitude I feel that you have had to courage to share your story, Maddie's story with the world. Everyone who knew of your beautiful little girl will forever be touched by her life and by her passing.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

To BlogHer, Or Not To BlogHer? Is there really any question?

So I registered for BlogHer '09. Yea!, right? But, you know, with the economy the way it is, and spending money on needs, not wants right now, it just seems a little indulgent. I already paid my conference fee, but then there's getting to Chicago, paying for a hotel and having fun while I'm there. I mean, on the one hand it's not like I will ever be the "it" blogger, or write professionally; I don't do any kind of product reviews or look to generate revenue through my blog. It's just a hobby. And I don't know ANYONE who will be there except I read their (amazing) blogs and maybe they will notice me over here in my little corner of the blogosphere waving. Oh yeah, that's me, hi.

And then there's the fact that someone is bound to call IPS (Internet Protective Services) and report my ass for the profound neglect that I have inflicted upon my blog. I mean, how much time do I really spend with it lately? Updating twice a month (if that, recently) isn't exactly quality time. It just took me 3+ hours to catch up reading the blogs I follow. What kind of bloggy friend is that? Jeez, I barely have time as it is for the 27 hours of tivo that I have to watch each week. Who needs to fix dinner and bathe the kids? Mama needs to watch some Must See TV and do her a little blogging! Priorities, people!

On the other hand, my blog is the one creative outlet in an otherwise completely-devoted-to-my-real-responsibilities life. It's getting back to my writing roots, which I foolishly brushed aside somewhere along the way without a second thought at the time. What price do you put on that? At what point does the effort I put into reading blogs that I enjoy and keeping up my own blog cross the line from healthy interest to obsession? And does it warrant a trip to Chicago this summer for BlogHer? (Did I mention my own vacation, by myself, without kids or husband? Yea, me!)

I have always kinda sucked at nurturing friendships in my life. Apparently this goes for any relationship, not just the people kind. My blog life has been suffering since jumping into new responsibilities with a job outside of my home. And I miss my blog life. Even though it's just me over here in my little corner waving sheepishly, it has so much potential. I used to read my faves every day. I was getting to know you. I was less timid about leaving comments, letting you know I was hanging around. But then I started coming around less frequently, and putting myself out there only every once in a while. Who hangs on for that?

It comes down to this: I can sell my conference pass and forget about going to Chicago. No big deal. Maybe next year. Or I can go this year. I can get motivated to nurture my blog relationships and work on connecting with other bloggers. Me being part of the blogging community might not matter to ANYONE else other than myself. Being connected to something greater than oneself is pretty powerful. But is it worth the guilt that this trip might be a little too self-indulgent when times are calling for restraint?

That is the question.