Please Do Not Disturb

In an attempt to improve the curb appeal of my home, I recently removed a torn, weathered piece of paper that had been taped over my doorbell. The paper once read, "Baby Sleeping. Please do not ring bell!" The note had been placed there over 3 years ago by me, a new mother attempting anything and everything to get my newborn to sleep longer than 20 minutes at a time. I was desperate to get rid of the source of every evil that might wake him, and later my daughter, before they'd slept enough. At the time of its removal the print as well as the original color of the note were indecipherable, but it had served its purpose of deterring would be solicitors from disturbing the once elusive naps of my *sigh* no-longer babies.

Here are a few things that I have noticed since removing this subtle plea to leave my home's occupants undisturbed:

1. I am way better at ignoring a knock at the door than the doorbell.

2. The dog barks louder at the doorbell than a knock at the door.

3. My kids nap through the doorbell and the dog barking.

4. People go door to door selling some pretty weird crap.

5. I have broken no less than 7 slats in the blind covering the front window as I try to peer through without being seen while trying figure out who is ringing and if it is worth answering.

So this is what I would like to post by my front door to deter unwelcome doorbell ringing. I think it gets the point across better than a simple "No Soliciting" plaque.

Please do not disturb the occupants of this home if one of the following circumstances applies to you:

If you are campaigning for a political candidate or cause, I already know how I am voting in the upcoming election. Your interruption of the privacy of my home is not going to change my mind. Unless of course, I had been planning to vote for your guy, now I might not since I don't know if I can support a candidate who has rung my doorbell EIGHT TIMES to get me to listen to him. While you're at it, why don't you let your campaign headquarters know that those pre-recorded phone messages don't work either. In fact, the more I feel annoyed by your candidate's antics to get me to vote for him, the less likely that I will.

If you are here to sell me something I am not interested. Again, your interruption of the privacy of my home is not going to change my mind because I either a) already have it; b) don't need it; c) can't afford it; or d) know how to obtain it without inviting a stranger into my house. Thanks anyway.

If you are the process server trying to issue me a citation for that photo radar incident, I swear that wasn't me driving.

Basically, if you don't know me or don't have pre-arranged business with me, don't bother because I'm not gonna answer. Now please kindly go away.

P.S. If you are my neighbor coming to tell me that my obnoxious sign probably violates some friendly neighborhood code of ethics and would I please remove it, I would be more than happy to discuss it with you, just as soon as you are willing to talk about the hideous pink gravel and garden gnomes that presently grace your yard!

What is it with men and their primal urge to urinate outdoors?!!

I know that I will never understand because I am a girl and so I don't have the ease of just going when and where nature calls me. Standing up outside in the yard to pee is not the most comfortable thing I can imagine doing, so it doesn't appeal to me, and I don't, and won't ever, get it.

My husband is a yard pee'r. He used to be covert about it. But I caught him once, and now he has no discretion. (Well, I mean, he keeps it in the family but still, not exactly what I want to see my husband doing.) I know I am not the only one because I've had this conversation with some other moms, each with little sons all at various stages of potty training and who want to do just about everything exactly the way they see their dads doing it, including "watering" the grass. And hey, if it gets anyone that much closer to being out of diapers, then who am I to judge?

So yes, our little man pees in the yard. I guess I am okay with it because the dog pees there too, right? And if it makes the difference of not having an accident because he doesn't want to stop what he's doing long enough to go in and use the bathroom like a proper person, then who am I to say no?



The problem is that when Dylan was given the green light to pee in the yard, should the need arise, a pretty important detail was overlooked. A three year old does not have the discretion to determine which outdoor spots are appropriate for peeing in (meaning ONLY OUR OWN BACKYARD WHEN NO ONE BUT FAMILY IS THERE), should the need arise.

I was out and about with the kids yesterday and we happened to stop and sit on a bench near a sidewalk cafe with a bed of plants separating the restaurant from where we sat. Dylan mentioned a need to go potty so I said we'd go inside to find one. I started gathering our stuff and Sadie and vaguely heard him say something about not needing a bathroom. So as I looked up with my arms full of stuff and Sadie, ready to head inside in search of said bathroom, Dylan was literally a fraction of a millimeter away from pulling his pants down, whipping it out, and peeing on the lovely plants in front of God and everyone eating at the nice little cafe.

ME: NO! NO! NO! NO! COME HERE NOW I NEED TO TALK TO YOU NOOOW! (I know, the yelling. I am losing Mom of the Year points here but the urgency of the situation required it.)

DYLAN: (not budging) BUT MOMMY I HAVE TO PEE RIGHT NOW.

ME: NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! DO NOT PULL DOWN YOUR PANTS AND COME OVER HERE RIGHT NOW!! (I know, again with the yelling.)

At that point, I didn't care if he had to go so bad that he wet his pants because that would've been preferable to the alternative at hand. I always have spare clothes for him in the car anyway. Can I have some of my points back for that?

D: But I really have to pee.

ME: I know, that is why we are going inside here to use the restroom.

D: But I don't need the restroom. I can just pee right here on these plants. My pee can water the plants.

ME: We let you pee outside when we are home, in the privacy of our own backyard. You cannot pee on plants in public places. And those people eating right there DO NOT WANT TO WATCH YOU PEE!

Then of course, all of the "but whys" and the disappointed agreement to go and use a proper restroom.

Turns out, he stood in front of that toilet for nearly ten minutes. But he didn't really have to go. It was never about the peeing, it was about the chance to pee in public, or nature, or whatever.

Well, he got his chance a couple of hours later. We were outside in the front yard and my neighbor walked out of his house, looking at me kinda funny. I turned around to see what he had noticed and there's my grass peein' little boy having a party. ("But Mommy, you said it's okay if we're at home!" The boy has a point. Can't argue with that!)

A couple of disturbing thoughts on this topic just occurred to me: 1)Are these men, and consequently their sons wishing to emulate them, that feel the need to urinate outside actually marking their territory, you know, like the dogs that pee out there too? And 2)OMG what if he tries to pee on the playground at school?

What?!! I'm supposed to just be grateful that at least he's not using the toilet seat as a hat?

And Then There Were Two

In my offline life, I have a couple of friends who will soon find themselves bringing home new little ones to add to their families. And online I have some friends (who wouldn't know me passing on the street, but I read you everyday, Kristen and Rebecca and I heart you) who are due in a couple of weeks with a girl apiece. So I found out about this online shower and decided to crash it. You can too! (Really, go to the link below, especially if you are in the throes of baby newness yourself, or you just need some perspective in your life about What Really Matters. You can link to some fantastic posts about, well, babiness. But take a box of Kleenex!)



My friends, you make me laugh, you make me cry, you make me think in ways that challenge me to be a better person, a better mom, everyday. So as you prepare to welcome your sweet new babies to the world, I wish you showered with all the happiness imaginable, and I am adding my own little gem to your cache.

My biggest fear, in preparing for baby number two (besides OMG WTF AM I GOING TO DO WITH TWO KIDS?!!) was how much it would rock the world of the child we already had. He was the love of our life, the center of our universe. What would it do to his developing sense of self to suddenly be sharing the spotlight with this new, unknown little creature? Had we prepared him enough? How would he react? Would he resent her? How would he treat her? How would we as parents deal with balancing the needs of both?

I delivered Sadie by scheduled c-section. As I prepared for the day she would be born, I remember thinking about how much I wanted to not be pregnant anymore. I remember thinking about how much I wanted to know this little being that had been growing inside of me. But mostly, I wanted her brother to know her. I couldn't wait for the moment of their meeting.

Much of what I remember about that day is blurred by drug-induced fuzziness. But when I think back to the day that Sadie came to be with us, I have one brilliant shard of memory that blazes through the cloudy layer of half-consciousness. It is the moment that Scott brought Dylan to the hospital to see me, to meet his sister. And in that moment, when he saw the baby and his face lit with instantaneous recognition, and he expressed in his not quite yet two-year-old way "that baby Sadie, that my Sadie," I knew. I knew that she was his. I knew as he leaned over and softly kissed her sweet head that he loved her. I knew as he grasped her tiny hand in his and she clung tightly to his finger that she would always need him. In that moment I caught a shining glimpse of Our Family, and whether or not we had done enough, it was enough. And as I sank back into to the medicated haze, I smiled, suspecting that I just might be okay with two.

his Sadie

he loves her

Happy Blogiversary!

I just realized that my first post on this blog was exactly one year ago today. Gee, you'd think I'd have more posts up by now or something. Anyway, here's a look back at that post, so you can see how much we've all grown in one year! (The link is actually to the second post I did. My first post was just a little blurb on the 17th of Sept. 2007 saying, hi, we're here!)

Anyway, Happy Birthday to my blog, and thanks to everyone who's been reading me this year!

P.S. I am the WORST SIL ever! Happy Birthday, Diane!

Whad'ya know? Eating carrots really is good for your eyes!

During some serious sand play the other day, Dylan came to me rubbing his eyes (with sand-covered hands, of course) complaining that there was something scratchy in his eye. (Gee, I wonder what it was.) So I told him to stop rubbing, because he would only get more sand lodged in there. Then I suggested that he try to cry, so that his tears could wash the grains of sand out of his eye, or I could pour some water in his eye if he wanted me to.

DYLAN: No, no, no, no, nooooo!! Do not get water in my eye.

ME: Then you should try to cry so your tears will wash the sand out.

D: But Mommy, I am not sad.

ME: Can you think of something that would make you sad enough to cry?

D: WAAAAAAAAH! (total drama queen fake cry) I miss Daddy! (Scott happened to be out of town at the time.) WAAAAAAAHH! (still fake)

ME: How's your eye.

D: Still sand

ME: Now do you want me to pour some water in it?

D: No, no, no, no, no!! I will go play some more and maybe it will just get out.

A few minutes later, he walked back over to me.

D: Hey, Mom, did you know eating carrots is good for your eyes? Can I have some carrots?

(Like I'm gonna say no to my kid asking me if he can snack on some carrots!)

After munching on a few carrots and contemplating, he proudly announced: Hey, my eye is all better now! Carrots really do fix your eyes!

The conspiracy rages on

If you haven't yet read about the beings in the universe conspiring against me, go here first. Otherwise, read on... this is an update which illustrates just how widespread the conspiracy is becoming.

To be fair, I have to admit that the last couple of times we have gone to Tempe Marketplace, the splash pad has been fully operational and my kids have actually played in the fountains. Of course, I have no photographic proof because you know how it goes about actually taking pictures.

The weather here has been decent for the first couple weeks of September (meaning that the highs are hovering just around or slightly below 100) so it is actually tolerable to think about enjoying outdoor activities. So last Friday morning we headed for the Phoenix Zoo. I figured we could see a few animals and by the time the kids got too hot, we would head for the splash play area. I packed a bag with swimsuits and everything, totally prepared. So a few elephants, giraffes, and squirrel monkeys later, we were all hot and tired and the kids were ready for some water fun. Do I need to tell you what happened when we made it to the splash area? Yep! No water fun last Friday!

We recently discovered the Splash Playground at Tempe Beach Park. We had plans to meet a friend for a playdate there this morning. I am so sorry to all the other moms we saw, kids, towels, and picnic lunches in tow. I know that it is quite a hike with all that stuff from the parking lot to the actual playground only to find it closed for the morning. I, apparently, was the bad luck that arrived right as the park was to open at 10:00 that caused the malfunction that needed to be repaired for at least two hours before any of the play equipment would be splashable.

Not to be thwarted, our quest for water play continues. The zoo has opened a new play space with caverns and waterfalls which we will be checking out later this week. I guess I should make sure it is really open before we go and before I once again cannot deliver on a promise of splashability. And if you were planning to check it out, maybe don't go this Friday morning because my water play curse may wreak havoc on your kids' fun!

And for some not so nakedness...

Sadie gets dressed all by herself... in her upside-down skirt!