Friday, September 26, 2008

Please Do Not Disturb

In an attempt to improve the curb appeal of my home, I recently removed a torn, weathered piece of paper that had been taped over my doorbell. The paper once read, "Baby Sleeping. Please do not ring bell!" The note had been placed there over 3 years ago by me, a new mother attempting anything and everything to get my newborn to sleep longer than 20 minutes at a time. I was desperate to get rid of the source of every evil that might wake him, and later my daughter, before they'd slept enough. At the time of its removal the print as well as the original color of the note were indecipherable, but it had served its purpose of deterring would be solicitors from disturbing the once elusive naps of my *sigh* no-longer babies.

Here are a few things that I have noticed since removing this subtle plea to leave my home's occupants undisturbed:

1. I am way better at ignoring a knock at the door than the doorbell.

2. The dog barks louder at the doorbell than a knock at the door.

3. My kids nap through the doorbell and the dog barking.

4. People go door to door selling some pretty weird crap.

5. I have broken no less than 7 slats in the blind covering the front window as I try to peer through without being seen while trying figure out who is ringing and if it is worth answering.

So this is what I would like to post by my front door to deter unwelcome doorbell ringing. I think it gets the point across better than a simple "No Soliciting" plaque.

Please do not disturb the occupants of this home if one of the following circumstances applies to you:

If you are campaigning for a political candidate or cause, I already know how I am voting in the upcoming election. Your interruption of the privacy of my home is not going to change my mind. Unless of course, I had been planning to vote for your guy, now I might not since I don't know if I can support a candidate who has rung my doorbell EIGHT TIMES to get me to listen to him. While you're at it, why don't you let your campaign headquarters know that those pre-recorded phone messages don't work either. In fact, the more I feel annoyed by your candidate's antics to get me to vote for him, the less likely that I will.

If you are here to sell me something I am not interested. Again, your interruption of the privacy of my home is not going to change my mind because I either a) already have it; b) don't need it; c) can't afford it; or d) know how to obtain it without inviting a stranger into my house. Thanks anyway.

If you are the process server trying to issue me a citation for that photo radar incident, I swear that wasn't me driving.

Basically, if you don't know me or don't have pre-arranged business with me, don't bother because I'm not gonna answer. Now please kindly go away.

P.S. If you are my neighbor coming to tell me that my obnoxious sign probably violates some friendly neighborhood code of ethics and would I please remove it, I would be more than happy to discuss it with you, just as soon as you are willing to talk about the hideous pink gravel and garden gnomes that presently grace your yard!

1 comment:

Undomestic Diva said...


I had one guy try & sell me this crap-in-a-bottle that would remove stains from my driveway... WHO CARES ABOUT STAINS ON THE DRIVEWAY? So I said no thanks - as nicely as humanly possible and the guy actually got pissed off and told me to not forget to lock my car 'cause you never know, he could be a thief.


Dude, quit selling shit door-to-door and stop by an anger management class. For reals.