Not exactly what I thought I was committing to at the time.

Yesterday was Scott's and my 5th wedding anniversary. We have been through some stuff since we've been together: a few surgeries, selling a house, buying a house, moving, waiting and waiting for him to finally propose, planning a wedding, getting married, a couple more surgeries and two kids. Having kids. There's something that absolutely nothing that has happened to you in your life before can prepare you for how much it will change everything. Yet here we are; together, happy, and healthy.

Maybe you thought from reading the title of this post that it would be about how marriage just isn't living up to all that I thought it would be. You'd be wrong. It's about my dinner last night.

We went to Quiessence, a rustic yet elegant restaurant located on a farm in the foothills of South Mountain. It specializes in unique flavors prepared from local, organically grown ingredients and you know you are going to drop some bones when you make a reservation for dinner. But what the hay... we were celebrating! We prepared to have our palates wowed to soften the blow to the bank account.

Our meal started with a complimentary champagne toast. So far, so good. They were out of our first choice of wine, but we were pleasantly surprised by the local Arizona wine they brought us instead. From Cochise County, no less. Who knew?

So we're into the bottle of wine, down the starter fruit and cheese platter, and then came the salads. I had ordered the calamari salad. (I know. The emphasis on "local" fare kinda goes out the window when calamari in Arizona enters the picture.) I've never raved about calamari, but the menu description of the salad had my mouth watering. I had only ever had it prepared one way: breaded and deep fried. A little a la T.G.I. Friday's for our location, but it was described on the menu as fried. So I guess I was expecting something pretty close to what is pictured below. A salad with a few deep fried calamari rings tossed in and classed up a little to match the sophistication of the evening.

Um, the calamari in my salad may or may not have been fried. It certainly wasn't breaded and it was most definitely not lacking tentacles. Long, curled up, covered with suction-thingy tentacles. I didn't eat a bit of it. The rest of the salad, as promised, was mouth watering. I ate every bit of it. And was left with a pile of squid limbs on my plate. Feeling a little embarrassed by having ordered the calamari salad and not eating any calamari, I considered wrapping it in a napkin and stuffing it in my purse. Purse not big enough. Scott had only eaten half of his (not calamari) salad, so we hid my pile of limbs under his untouched greens. Like they weren't gonna discover them and laugh their butts off at me in the kitchen anyway. Whatever. It was a nice place. It's not like they were going to spit in my grilled radicchio or something.

The rest of our dinner was fabulous. The evening ended up being a fitting tribute to five years of marriage with two kids to boot. Nice surprises, laughter and silliness, some tentativeness at not really being sure what we'd gotten ourselves into, taking things in stride, and just plain enjoying where we're at, even with a few unexpected limbs thrown into the mix.

Happy Anniversary, Baby! I would cala-"marry" you all over again!

Take Me Out to a Ballgame

It is probably safe to say that baseball will always be a part of our family life.

Scott grew up playing Little League and then through High School, played in college and has spent most of his adult life playing in some sort of baseball league. He now eagerly awaits his chance to coach Little League, should Dylan show an interest in playing when he's old enough.

I have learned things about baseball since we started dating that I hadn't even known existed before. Like, what's a Slugging Average? Who knew that could matter so much?!

Waiting for opening day of spring training is like going to sleep the night before Christmas around here (for some members of this household, anyway).

Did you just feel that gust of air? That was Scott letting out a sigh of relief that his son seems to have taken an early liking to his favorite sport.

Dylan wants to go to baseball games and watch them on TV. He wants to stop by the park on a Saturday morning to watch the big kids playing. His knowledge of what is going on during a game already surpasses mine. He prefers baseballs, bats, and gloves to other sporting equipment and typical toys that most boys choose to play with. He dresses himself and Sadie up in Scott's old jerseys. He is right-handed, yet naturally takes a left-handed batting stance, thanks to persistent coaching from dad. (Don't ask me why. I guess it will be important later. See? He does know more already than I ever will.) He talks about getting to play on a team when he turns 5. (Did I mention how fuh-reaking adorable, not to mention more American-than-apple-pie he looks in a baseball cap? See? I can teach him important stuff about baseball, too!)

In the meantime, we all get to play baseball with him in the backyard. We take turns being the pitcher, catcher, and batter. Lately, after attending a few spring training and regular season games so far this year, the staging of backyard baseball games has some new additions.

First, before the game starts, one of us gets a turn to sing the "Nationally Adams." Later, after we've been playing a while, we take a break to sing every one's favorite baseball tune. You may have heard it before; it goes like this: "Take me out to the ballgame. Take me out with the crowd. Buy me some peanuts and crack me up!" Because baseball is just that funny!

Hope you are spending the season enjoying your favorite pastime with your favorite people!

What Really Matters

Well, it seems I've decided to end blogging hiatus #39 with a little post. I've missed you, internet!

The other day as I was completing some mundane task or other, my 4 year old made a comment to me that made me laugh out loud. And all of a sudden, I began thinking in blog posts again for the first time in a really long time. You bloggers out there know what I am talking about... you start to turn little every day occurrences into funny stories that would read well if you put such and such spin on them. And thus, you blog. So here I am contemplating the blog that I have been neglecting because my son made me laugh and I turned it into a funny story, which I will tell you later this week. Right now, I am blogging about blogging.

I know, boring. But it is better than not blogging.

So I started thinking about how long it had been since I had even thought about my blog, let alone tried to blog about anything. And so then I started thinking about why and what has gotten in the way. And I realized that I have made so many things matter too much that really don't matter at all because all of a sudden I have a real job and I go to work every day OUTSIDE OF MY OWN HOME and all of a sudden I am relevant beyond my own household. And I made that matter more than anything else because I was relevant. Outside of my own household. But I became irrelevant in my household which meant that I really had nothing to blog about because I wasn't focusing on what was happening here. So I'm still at the J-O-B but realizing it's just not that important, and I'm getting back to thinking about and doing the things that matter the most. Because when I neglect my family and household, I really have nothing to say that matters. And that made me think that what I am putting most of my energy into isn't really that important after all. No matter how relevant it might make me outside of my own household.

So whether you've missed me or not, I am back to blogging. I might not have anything that interesting to say, but what I do have to say matters to me, so I'll put it out there anyway. Happy reading!

I want it all.

I decided to check in with the blogosphere and realized more than two weeks have passed since last posting, and my last posts were about Maddie. While I am still finding myself at a loss for words when I think about that tragedy, what I am finding myself truly at a loss for is time. Where do I find it? I am having a hard time finding that work/life/family balance since going back to work full time in January. When I do have down time, I just want to sleep. And then I wake up at ungodly hours like 4:30a.m. unable to return to sleep with all I have to get done flying around in my head. See? Here I am at 5a.m. I know I should be trying to squeeze in a few more moments of sleep because it's going to be a long day. Or packing lunches. Or gathering towels and bathing suits for swim lessons later. Yet I'm here writing this post just so I can say I blogged today and it hasn't been that long since I posted, and I deserve to go to BlogHer, maybe, next year.

All I really want to know right now, all you working moms out there: How do you do it?

In Memory

Speechless

I logged on to post last week, trying to make good on my commitment to nurture this hobby of mine, but haven't been able to type a single word. Each time I approached the internet, all of my words were washed away with tears, tears shed for a little girl that I never knew, and for her parents whom I've never met. I wasn't going to do this post because I don't know them. How could my words really matter in this time of what I can only imagine is engulfing them in grief and sorrow? But I couldn't write anything else, because the enormity of the loss of little Maddie makes nothing else matter.

So I am posting this today with sorrow for Mike and Heather, and with gratitude that I am able to hold my children close to me, and for the opportunities I yet have to look at the world through their eyes, to witness daily the miracle of them growing and becoming the people they are meant to be.

Mike and Heather, I am so, so sorry for your loss. From day one, your story has not been an easy one to tell. I appreciate every moment that I was able to stop your blog by for updates and stories that filled me with joy and wonder at the miracle that was your daughter. A simple thank you cannot begin to express the gratitude I feel that you have had to courage to share your story, Maddie's story with the world. Everyone who knew of your beautiful little girl will forever be touched by her life and by her passing.

To BlogHer, Or Not To BlogHer? Is there really any question?

So I registered for BlogHer '09. Yea!, right? But, you know, with the economy the way it is, and spending money on needs, not wants right now, it just seems a little indulgent. I already paid my conference fee, but then there's getting to Chicago, paying for a hotel and having fun while I'm there. I mean, on the one hand it's not like I will ever be the "it" blogger, or write professionally; I don't do any kind of product reviews or look to generate revenue through my blog. It's just a hobby. And I don't know ANYONE who will be there except I read their (amazing) blogs and maybe they will notice me over here in my little corner of the blogosphere waving. Oh yeah, that's me, hi.

And then there's the fact that someone is bound to call IPS (Internet Protective Services) and report my ass for the profound neglect that I have inflicted upon my blog. I mean, how much time do I really spend with it lately? Updating twice a month (if that, recently) isn't exactly quality time. It just took me 3+ hours to catch up reading the blogs I follow. What kind of bloggy friend is that? Jeez, I barely have time as it is for the 27 hours of tivo that I have to watch each week. Who needs to fix dinner and bathe the kids? Mama needs to watch some Must See TV and do her a little blogging! Priorities, people!

On the other hand, my blog is the one creative outlet in an otherwise completely-devoted-to-my-real-responsibilities life. It's getting back to my writing roots, which I foolishly brushed aside somewhere along the way without a second thought at the time. What price do you put on that? At what point does the effort I put into reading blogs that I enjoy and keeping up my own blog cross the line from healthy interest to obsession? And does it warrant a trip to Chicago this summer for BlogHer? (Did I mention my own vacation, by myself, without kids or husband? Yea, me!)

I have always kinda sucked at nurturing friendships in my life. Apparently this goes for any relationship, not just the people kind. My blog life has been suffering since jumping into new responsibilities with a job outside of my home. And I miss my blog life. Even though it's just me over here in my little corner waving sheepishly, it has so much potential. I used to read my faves every day. I was getting to know you. I was less timid about leaving comments, letting you know I was hanging around. But then I started coming around less frequently, and putting myself out there only every once in a while. Who hangs on for that?

It comes down to this: I can sell my conference pass and forget about going to Chicago. No big deal. Maybe next year. Or I can go this year. I can get motivated to nurture my blog relationships and work on connecting with other bloggers. Me being part of the blogging community might not matter to ANYONE else other than myself. Being connected to something greater than oneself is pretty powerful. But is it worth the guilt that this trip might be a little too self-indulgent when times are calling for restraint?

That is the question.