Sunday, October 5, 2008


Last Wednesday, I flipped the calendar page to October. As I glanced at the month ahead, I noted two things about today, October 5.

Today is my mother-in-law's birthday. We wish you all the best today, Grandma Bertie and sure wish we could be near to give you a birthday hug and kiss!

Today, October 5th, is marked with a star on my calendar. Next to the star, the words, "maybe baby?" I had starred today and written those words nearly nine months ago after the plus sign on the home pregnancy test turned blue. I starred today and wrote those words after entering the date of my last cycle into an online due date calculator. I later crossed out the "?" that I had originally written when an ultrasound at 7 weeks confirmed the pregnancy and this original due date.

But at nine weeks, fate decided that we were not to be parents again to a new baby, at least not this one. Dylan would not be its big brother, and Sadie wouldn't get the chance to be its big sister. It just wasn't meant to be, not this baby.

It's difficult to know how to feel about the loss of a baby you've only known of for a few weeks. It's not like we were attached to it already. We were just getting used to the idea that we would have another infant in the house. Where would we sleep all three kids in two bedrooms? We had already seen Dylan become a great big brother to Sadie. How would he be if it were a boy this time? What kind of big sister would Sadie be? How am I going to deal with being the mom of a pre-schooler, a toddler, and an infant? Will we find out the sex of the baby before it's born? All of the anxiety, the wondering, and the beginning to plan that comes with that little blue plus sign. And I loved every second of those few short weeks that I knew there would be another baby our family. Another son or daughter, another sibling for Dylan and Sadie.

But it wasn't meant to be. And even though it was only a few short weeks, it was still a loss. A loss that I had almost forgotten about until I flipped that page. Today, that baby would be here. I would be holding him or her, inhaling the new baby sweetness, and I would feel certain of everything that I had wondered about during those few short weeks. Of everything that I am still wondering about today, but will probably never know.

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